i despise telling people my age. i despise myself at this age. i despise myself. today. right now. for the past 48 hours.
this happened to me in high school, my junior year. it was my second year playing varsity basketball then - a faraway dream. i remember realizing i was not that good at basketball anymore - in comparison to the growth of the folks i was with. i remember thinking i could be raw as fuck if i tried hard. if i focused more, disciplined myself more. but i didn't. instead i wanted to read about dead presidents and make the dopest notes on this side of the fuckin' mississippi river. i wanted to kick it with homies, be social, listen to music while i whip around in my shitty honda station wagon that to this day was my favorite car ever.
i am confused. as to why. i am still here. i am impatient with myself. i am impatient with my current mental atmosphere. i want to be instantly evolved. i want to be instantly freed. from the lifeless, metal, fluorescent lit cell that i have found. myself. put myself. in.
right now i despise japan. but really. i just despise. myself.
but i still despise the 55 year old male teacher who walks around projecting vibes of absolute entitlement as a 55 year old man. thinking he can talk to people with gruff rudeness. i don't care how old you are or if you have a penis. i don't believe in violent oppression. but i do believe. that. sometimes. patriarchy. needs to be. punched. in the mouth. teeth need to be shifted. your ass needs to be on the ground. and your sense of hierarchy needs to be absolutely shattered, into sharp glass fragments glittering the concrete.
how come men here can go out during their free periods without class to smoke their ciggies, but if i, a young womxn, were to smoke a fat cigarette (which i won't because i don't smoke) in between classes, would git them looks of shame like "groh, you messy."? this that shit i can't stand. this is when. i feel like. throwing. this laptop. out the window, with two hands. the kind of throw where i have both arms high above my head, and when i throw this object of apparent value on the hot pavement. watching, hearing the dense pack of plastic and metal - mined by exploited workers - break. with that dull, manufactured sound. but. here i am. using the computer. sitting in this teachers' room. typing this. a real employee i am. but really, if they only knew that i have been a cog, to the best of my ability, in their system. i have overtime hours. so. here they are.
in other news.
i had 2 dreams last night. i should have written them down earlier. but. i fucking didn't. i wish i did. but. this is irrelevant and irritates me that i even attempt to share this on the infinite space of the interweb.
i had a dream that i was in japan in a teachers' room. there was a male japanese teacher who was off. he wanted to kill us all, and i was the only one that knew it. i locked all the doors. gave tips to all the teachers as to how to fuck this dude up, namely how to drop file cabinets on his head, and to tightly tie his hands with plastic strings. so that. when he wakes up, he can't move. but no one listened to me. and i knew everything that would happen.
this reminds me that i had a dream that my best friend's boyfriend, who has had bouts of emotional and physical abuse, sexually abused me. i forgot how wretched i felt when i woke up, but i remember feeling an ounce or so.
i felt like that this morning.
i also had a dream after i pressed the snooze button on my iphone, which later i would regret, for i had 30 minutes to get ready to serve the man. but.
this dream. it was a tv show, like as notorious as grey's anatomy. but it became real life, that was in. it was some type of terrorist attack. it occurred in two other american cities, but the one i was apart of was in san francisco.
wait before that. i was an older woman who was remembering herself as a child. and the events that led to that current ptsd as an older woman. i was being sabotaged by a woman who wanted my ass dead. i realize none of this makes sense. to myself. for i was able to transcend time, space, consciousnesses.
back to the terrorist attack of san francisco. there were three bombs that cut san francisco into three well-cut pie pieces. it was mostly the financial district, and some rich ass pac heights area. it was scary. then.
union street was a cobbled street and my homey was leading the horse carriage that i was riding in. we were whippin' and dippin' through the cobbled streets damp with that night time rain...with the orange glistening from the ground. we rode into the financial district. and we were looking for something. i was trying to save something, someone. we ripped past chinatown which was literally in complete hot ashes and huge ruins of stones. it was directly from a post 1906 earthquake photo. this horse carriage brought us up to the top of some buildings of chinatown and we were sliding from the tile roofs into the sky. we fell off. we were falling in the sky. past the layer of clouds. then. i caught onto the grate exterior of the transamerican pyramid building. it was overgrown with green. the window panes were treated so that no one could see me. i banged on the windows, pulled on the metal grated exterior. all of a sudden.
the top pyramid part of the building came falling off of the base of the sky scraper. down i fell with it. control. gone. then. the whole building shredded. and then.
a flash of japanese new television, in really cute anime style. covering how millions died from the transamerica building toppling down. it was my fault.
i woke up.
and now. i am here. i have to pee, i have a class in 15 minutes. my last free period gone like the sand through the hourglass. slipping slowly. but almost like pouring. and i still. have 3 essays to write. for an art residency, i desperately want. but am scared to not get. that i fear i will not execute. i fear. i will crumble under pressure. and die.
74 days left living in the gorgeous countryside of japan. blessings on blessings. a quick peep of das game.
i think i'm a baddie. my collective narrative is fine as hell. my human - poor decisions, emotional hiccups, bouts of tardiness, more than occasional missing-in-actionness - is dimey as fawk. my voluptuous learning curve, curiosity, & enthusiasm to love & thrive stay breakin' necks & cashin' checks. i'm a baddie. & so are you.
i am writing an essay, or perhaps procrastinating from writing an essay, about my art of storytelling as an asian-american womxn / fifth generation san franciscan.
i needed inspiration and needed to return to the vocabulary that so defines my political existence.
here are some money articles i read (as well as those i forgot how to cite properly because i don't give a fawk today...this is where higher education got me...against all forms of hegemony):
- Despite History, Japanese-Americans and African Americans are Working Together to Claim Their Rights, Public Radio International, February 23, 2016, by Natasha Varner/Densho
why I dig it: this article is mint chocolate chip because it doesn't blindly celebrate afro-asian solidarities. this article is super straight up about anti-blackness within the japanese-american community and historical tensions. i appreciate this very much because a lot of asian-american communities fail to call out their blatant as well as subtle mechanisms of anti-blackness -- in other words there is a lack of responsibility and accountability regarding black & asian-american relations.
why i dig it: a very well-rounded & trill article. it's not easy to talk race & racism & the different levels by which they exist as well as interact - hella ふくざつ actually. however tran radly illustrates how asian-american & black narratives of struggle and oppression are not the same but rather related & springing from a common origin. tran also clearly points out that anti-black racism is in fact a facet of asian-america.
" Community organizers show us how to comprehend very different forms of oppression as related, but not synonymous. Andrea Smith, scholar and founding member of INCITE Women, Gender Non-Conforming and Trans People of Color Against Violence, argues there are three pillars comprising white supremacy—or what we frequently refer to as racism. The first is slavery/capitalism, the second genocide/colonialism, the third orientalism/war. In other words, we can all see that racism against Black, Native, Latino/a, and Asian people are experienced very differently. For example, Black Americans live with racial profiling, Native Americans with cultural and physical genocide, Latino/as with immigrant detention, and Asian Americans with employment discrimination. And while these all seem like disparate experiences with varying degrees of effects, in reality share the same root.
Racism in all of its forms is infinite, distinctive and interrelated. While we may not face identical forms of marginalization, we experience parallel conditions which bring them forth. It is commonalities amongst the motivating forces and not their consequences which enable us to connect across varying experiences of racism."
to be continued as i continue to procrastinate.
usually hyper critical of all imperfect work (creases, wrinkles, not perfectly cut) particularly when thinking of selling these pieces. but fux zat. fuck capitalism's confines on my radical imagination & story.
some new new collages.
currently been knockin' yung east bay sista, eileen shoji, who be destroying. her very trill almost revelry type floetry and the beats on the back.
the song that popped up on my soundcloud feed was feel good & thereafter it has been on straight repeat. for probably the past week.
late baby. but the most incredible trip throughout cambodia. only 2 weeks but kicked it with my kweendom -- both from frisco, but one living in the countryside of cambodia & speaking beautiful khmer & working at a womxns' clinic.
incredible art exhibition on cluster of islands between shikoku and mainland japan (near okayama). art installations were in abandoned buildings and spaces throughout these islands. i went to shodoshima (famous for its olives, sesame oil, and shoyu...i think...my memory is so shit), naoshima (benasse art site, yayoi kusama pumpkins, incredible onsen bath interactive art), megijima, ogijima (where momotaro fought da oni), and wish i went to all of them. here are some samples of da pics.
in today's mass media feed (owned by a couple of fat ass companies, but i like to believe in al jazeera & democracy now):
sheila abdus-salaam - first muslim woman judge in the united states and the first black female judge in the new york high courts. abdus-salaam was reported missing on wednesday by her husband, but found on thursday in the hudson river, fully clothed and deceased.
thoughts - although the cause of death is yet to be determined, this is another vicious act of violence inflicted upon the black female body and the larger black and muslim community. our current context is vital when understanding this tragedy. the united states is for the most part still structurally anti-black and anti-muslim due to the long fetch of history, geopolitical events, and inaccessibility of quality, interdisciplinary education that promotes critical thinking.
largest non-nuclear bomb in u.s. history dropped in afghanistan - with 11 tons of tnt and weighing roughly 22,000 pounds, this mass weapon of destruction was dropped by the united states on apparent isil tunnel networks. the blast however has a radius of 1.6 kilometers, putting civilians in extreme danger.
thoughts - this is bullshit. continuing to pour huge industrial-sized cement buckets of oil on this ravenous fire. continuing this incredibly unsustainable cycle of violence. i stand in vehement opposition.
as a millennial of privilege, i have not directly or indirectly experienced the cacophony of human emotions that is war. i have never felt the physical or emotional impact of such violence. but i do know it destroys. & is brutally unsustainable & leaves the earth & its inhabitants with scars & traumatic, body-shattering memories. we know how fucked war is. we know. yet.
although i do believe that mass media broadcasts more stories of tragedy, conflict, and traumatic violence, i do think it is necessary to know, examine, and swallow the present day atrocities. for this is the current dimension...or so i think.
however, it is important, if not paramount, to note that i come from a place of extreme privilege - typing on my japanese government funded laptop in a public junior high school in the countryside of kyoto. these painful atrocities are felt through a screen. i haven't even seen or read about any narratives from those affected by these two events specifically. it is incredible how the human sense of empathy works in the current age of exponential technological growth. in so many ways i can't help but look at myself as purely apathetic during these times. i am just sitting in an office, planning my weekend ahead to go to a ryokan tucked in the mountains of kyoto. who the fuck i am to be even talking about these things without due action? i am constantly balancing these thoughts of action versus self-care.
although as heartbroken and utterly scared as i am, i am also inspired to thrive unapologetically, create fiercely, and love fully. i feel the blazing forest fires under my asshole, and i see the fences of neutrality burning without regret. i am heated and motivated to exist freely against all forms of hatred, exclusion, and fear. i do not wish to feed the world more distractions that obstruct our individual and collective innovation and love-backed action.
easier said than done. but i will start by speaking these aspirations into existence.
m a n i f e s t a t i o n with & for our community.
perhaps i am technologically unsavvy, or perhaps i chose the wrong website provider. but.
i want to continue my writing, but i forget my writing is actually in my very long insta-banters and sassy-tweet-twats. i have to let go of this mental tiff. the tiff being i can't record or catalog my past cyborg writings on this blog.
but i wish to continue to write. to say. because shit, what a time to be alive.
don't know the artist but. it's cash.